The Earth is Not a Cold, Dead Place

or is it? This is something that I have been struggling with the past several years. In fact, I know the exact time and place where things in my life became completely fucked up. October 9, 2003, everything was pretty awesome in my life. Great friends, great grades, a very promising future. It was the fist time in my life where I know that everything with my family was nearly perfect. on October 10, 2003, my life became a nightmare. sometimes it is the smallest, seemingly unimportant decisions are the ones that change the course of our lives forever. Since that day, that night, I have let my life spiral completely out of control. I lost everything in my life I worked hard for. I am no longer respected amongst my peers, my family sees me as almost nothing but a burden, I have hurt myself and others more than I will ever be able to repair. And what for? Where has this gotten me? Am I some type of sadist? Do I enjoy the pain I put myself through? Is it for the attention? I am sure that people go through much more difficult times in their lives, why am I, why have I for five years now let one moment of my life dictate the rest of my life? Is it nothing but anger? Am I jealous of everyone who hasn't had these trials or obstacles to maneuver? Even so, why do I hurt myself? Why do I continue to put these mountains in my path, and than cry when I fall down the slopes? It makes absolutely no fucking sense. Do I even want to be happy? Have I found my fucked up happiness in this misery I constantly put myself through? It is no longer her fault. I cannot put blame on people who no longer have any influence in my life. Fuck, just writing this down makes me feel like shit. Doctors say to write down your feelings and it will help you to release tension and anxiety. Not me. Not now at least. Maybe one day; and maybe on that day I'll see if the Earth is a cold, dead place - or if I have just a cold, dead soul. Deep.